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2009-12-16 |
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To Die Unquizzed Would Really Bring You Down-16/12 |
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By: Tom Tiger Vaughan |
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Howdy yall,
Welcome to another week of quizzing majesty. This week's entire quiz is proudly, PROUDLY sponsored by the Tiger Woods Airport Carousel Of Bitches Foundation, aiming to adequately answer the great existential question which has been troubling humanity since the dawn of time, "Hands up who rooted Tiger Woods". Props also go out to the Melbourne Herald Sun, for their typically classy attempt to summarise the situation by dividing the great man's many bitches into "the front nine" and "the back nine" ON THE COVER. How they managed to resist the "Eighteen Holes - One Goal" headline we will never know. Anyway speaking of vaginas, time to check out last week's answers...
-According to famous UK writer Kingsley Amis, every beer ad ever made could be effectively reduced to the seven word slogan: "Drink Blank Beer. It Makes You Pissed." I'll give Josh a point for "Drink our beer = good times = sexy times" (cos that would work on me).
-The official motto of Tasmania is Ubertas et Fidelitas ("Fertility and Faithfulness"). I'm not giving anyone any points, cos nobody could be arsed coining a better one. Pull your fingers out people!
-In gold-rush era USA, rich guys organised Bear vs. Lion shows for betting purposes. They'd import African lions and make 'em fight local bears. So who won? The bears did. Their skulls are much thicker, for a start, and lions really need to hit the neck to kill fast, meanwhile the bear would be busy smashing their head in. Bears rule 4 Eva OK (a point to Josh).
So, Josh wins the quiz with a clear lead of two points to nil and takes home the Golden Dildo for his answering efforts slash tireless dildo promotion. The Esteemed Panel of Quiz Judges decided to give the Best Answer gong, though, to Ross, for his work here:
-As a pro athlete, what would be your trademark goal celebration?
Holding the ball behind my back, then pretending to poo it out with a pained expression on my face.
Good work Pele, thanks for playing. OK, as noted, this week's quiz was sponsored by the Tiger Woods Multinational (Except Black) Poon-A-Tarium, thus they also supplied us with some lovely prizes...
Silver:
Your chance to be a tester for the latest "2.0" version of the Woods-Goldsmith Airport Carousel of Bitches. Techonological improvements to the ACOB 2.0 include:
1- Not getting fucking married first
2- That's about it
Gold:
A billion dollar golfing career and a wife who is a Swedish supermodel with mad cans. Pah! Bring on the table dancers!
And now, Marjorie, if you wouldn't mind putting some clothes on, the questions, please...
1.
What's your favourite Arnie line of all time... (I vote for "Consider diss a dee-force!" from Total Recall, just before he shoots Sharon Stone in the head)
2.
Samantha from 'Bewitched' or Jeannie from 'I Dream of Jeannie'?
3.
Real question one:
What exactly is Copha?
4.
Name the TV show which never fails to make you feel good, but for reasons you have difficulty comprehending...
5.
OK, we don't have TEE-WAHN-TOUSANDS yet, but tell me 3 things computer intelligence has already shown us about human intelligence...
1-
2-
3-
6.
Real question two:
A Ukranian chemistry student named Vladimir, 25, recently managed to blow his own head off (fatally), with chewing gum. How did he manage this?
7.
Would you get breast implants if you were a girl and a bit of a surfboard?
8.
Vampires! They're all up in your shiznits! The producers of the Twilight series just rang you up and offered a million dollars for you to "Gay up" another type of monster and make it appeal to 13 year old girls the way Twilight just did with vampires...any ideas?
9.
What's going to be your favourite part of the soon-to-be-released movie "Alvin & The Chimpunks - The Squeakuel"?
A- The DJ-scratch effect in the title song about rapping chipmunks
B- The AutoTune RnB love duet between the cool guy chipmunk and cool girl ghipmunk
C- The word "Squeakuel"
D- Other
10.
Real question ten:
Who jumped out of the cake at Bob Hawke's 80th birthday last week?
And the tie-breaker...
Are our pulbic service TV ads getting too extreme? In the past decade I have seen people flying through windscreens head first, breaking their legs and bleeding from the nose and eyes in slow motion, a child choking to death while her mother screams in the background, brains being dissected to reveal haemorraghing, cholestorol being squeezed out of a chunk of artery, people with skin over their eyes, a son trying not to cry while he talks about how his father died while his wife was still pregnant and never got to see his grandchildren, first-person perspective of a teenager getting killed by a car, someone diving into water and breaking their neck, and more vomiting than Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.
We need to get in on this! Please pick one (1) of the following topics and hit me with your ultra-hard-hitting commercial about the dangers of...
A- Inhaling deodorant through a sock,
B- Goon-bag AKA boxy
C- Inadequate bum-wiping
D- Using the word 'fagatini'
E- Other
Thanks for playing Tigers! Have fun on the carousel...
Tom "Tiger" Vaughan |
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