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2009-10-21 |
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Champs Elysees Is A Quizzy Street - 21/10/9 |
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By: Tyzer Sozay |
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What up homeboys?
Quiz time fools! YOU KNOW THE DRILL! (It's that thing you use to make holes in the wall at the swimming pool change rooms. Or was that Porky's. Sorry I often get real life and Porky's confused.) Before this paragraph gets even more retarded (you know I'm good for it!) let's hook into last week's answers...
(Excuse the quantity, but this is a fasinating one:)
"Wallace Souza is a Brazilian television presenter who is accused of ordering murders to boost the ratings of his hit crime show. He has fled and currently remains a fugitive from justice.
Authorities say they have no clue as to the whereabouts of Wallace Souza, who had remained free despite the charges against him because he enjoyed parliamentary immunity as a deputy of the Amazonas state assembly.
When a judge in the northern city of Manaus issued a preventive detention order against him at the start of the week, however, Souza disappeared and has not been seen since.
"I issued an arrest order against Souza on Monday, but he has disappeared," said Judge Mauro Antoni, adding that another magistrate now has issued another warrant for his arrest.
"It is up to the police to find him now."
Police in Manaus say Souza's lawyer, Francisco Balieiro, may be trying to negotiate terms under which the television star will give himself up.
Souza made his television debut in 1989 and rose quickly to become a television sensation. He also is a one of his region's most popular elected leaders.
Charged on July 30 with murder, drug-trafficking, and a host of other offences, Souza is accused of ordering the paid assassinations of at least five drug traffickers to bolster ratings of his crimewatch show Canal Livre on Manaus television.
Police reportedly became suspicious of Souza's program last year after one report aired showing the body of a suspected drug dealer burning in the woods long before police arrived on the scene."
Yes that's right. An elected official and trusted name in journalism assassinating drug dealers and setting their corpses on fire to get new episodes for his true crime show. Reality is a curious beast, is it not? 99% of the time it's less interesting than fiction, but when it decides to get crazy, it gets crazy in ways that would have Dan Brown saying "I find that contrived and implausible. Pass the golden hookah, Janice, and hold my calls for anyone below the Tom Hanks level."
A point to Ben.
According to Penny Arcade, Jesus' one true commandment is: (*choir*) Don't be a dick. A point to Ben, half a point to Tim for the general gist.
Guiness celebrated their 250th anniversary a month ago. Across 150 contries they currently sell about 10 million pints per day, on average (eg probably about a million per day for 364 days, then 4 trillion on St. Paddy's.) A point to Tim for being closest, anyway.
All that silliness puts Ben in front with a narrow lead, so he takes home the Golden Daryl Somers Talking Daryl Somers Doll! OK, it's actually Daryl. Sorry. We painted him gold. Just push him off a bridge somewhere. Nobody's looking. GOOD WORK THOUGH! Concerning the Best Reply gong, the Esteemed Panel this week gave it to Colonel Goldsmith, for the inarguable innovativity of this one...
For God's SAKE please invent a better alternative to the ugly lights:
Fire alarms - the shared experience of a traumatic experience will bond you closer with the minger you've been snogging.
Good work buddy. (Oh, one last thing - in case anyone cares, this is my favourite typo, from an automotive review in the March 12, 1997, Lewiston, Idaho, Morning Tribune:
"A short-throw six-speed Borg-Warner transmission means classic Pontiac excitement and all the fun of a well-timed shit.")
Prizes? Also excellently timed!
Silver:
The Baconator. Produces bacon instantly ASK NOT FROM WHERE. Fits in wallet or man-bag. Simply press Bacon Start button to receive bacon, then hit Bacon Stop button to halt flow of bacon. Thickness adjuster and texturometer operation details outlined in operations manual (printed on thin bacon, stapled together using sharpened bacon).
Gold:
The Boganator. Does not fit in wallet and would punch man-bag owner in the face on principle. Press Bogan Start to create army of bogan minions all loyal to you, and VB obviously. Press Bogan Stop when you have enough bogans to accomplish task at hand, e.g. fixing ute, buildng 1:1 scale pyramid of cheops model out of VB cans, driving ute drunk to the KFC to get you zingers, etc.
And now, finally, the questions please Marjorie, and get those matches away from that drug dealer. Come on, it's not even an original idea for a TV show.
1.
Who's your most famous relative, and what are they famous for?
2.
Who's your most famous relative, that you just invented, and what are they famous for?
3.
Real question one:
Which prolific heavy metal vocalist recently did the voices for every single zombie in the videogame Left 4 Dead? (he also played the demonic entity "The Darkness" in the game The Darkness. It all makes a lot of sense when you know who it is, I promise.)
4.
Would you swap your legs to be able to fly?
5.
Apart from yourself, obviously, who's the hardest boyfriend of all time to follow on from?
6.
Real question two:
Every cell in your body (each of which is far too small to see) contains a length of DNA strand. Approximately how many centimetres long is each strand?
7.
If you got the shit effortlessly knocked out of you by a drag queen and were then broadcast on TV on the other side of the world, what would your explanation be? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJvLTWGs-SE in case you haven't seen it yet. You want about a minute in. Watch the dudette with the black wig on).
8.
What did they get right?
Hippies:
Goths:
Scientologists:
9.
If you had to do jury duty for a highly-publicised, nation-stopping crime, what would you be unable to resist doing in court to relieve the tension?
10.
Real question three:
According to Cosmopolitan magazine (Fun! Fearless! Female!), what percentage of their readers piss in the shower?
!Tie breaquero! Ai ai ai!
Do you ever suspect that the reason most fashion designers are either gay or women is because nobody else could concentrate on anything to do with clothes while being surrounded by half-naked teenage models all day, apart perhaps from seeing how small one could make the clothes before they technically did not exist at all?
Have a great week peeps. You know you want to. And TRY not to burn any drug dealers this time.
Tomzer Sozay |
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